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The Joke Thread


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I've had a look and can't see another one, although do correct me if I've been a pillock and missed it. 

Keep it clean-ish, but not too clean and boring. 

What's yellow and feeds off dead beatles? 

Yoko Ono.

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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says Do you have any sales experience?

The kid says Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota .
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today? The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, One?.

The boss says Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son. The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked semi-sarcastically, So, how much was your one sale for?

The kid looks up at his boss and says $101,237.65.

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell?

The kid says, Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?

The kid said No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.


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A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"
The barman replies "No, unfortunately we don't sell bread here."
The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the bar and asks the same question, with the barman giving the same response and the duck leaving once again.

This continues for a fortnight, until eventually the barman loses his temper. "Look, if you come in here once more and ask if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter!"

The duck asks "Have you got any nails?"

"No."

"Have you got any bread?"

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Here's a joke for like a 4 year old

 

These 3 prisoners are put on trial they are sentenced to death by shooting.

The first prisoner is about to be shot instead he yells TORNADO! The whole town runs back to there houses. The prisoner was able to escape.

The second prisoner walked up pretty confidently knowing what his plan was. Right before the gun was shot he yelled EARTHQUAKE! And everyone scurried back to there houses.

The third prisoner walking with swag in his step thinking these @#$%?! dont know how stupid they are. While thinking he's the best he sees the execusionist about to shoot he yells FIRE! It didn't work out to well for that prisoner...

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fIsince08 said:

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "Have you got any bread?"
The barman replies "No, unfortunately we don't sell bread here."
The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the bar and asks the same question, with the barman giving the same response and the duck leaving once again.

This continues for a fortnight, until eventually the barman loses his temper. "Look, if you come in here once more and ask if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your beak to the counter!"

The duck asks "Have you got any nails?"

"No."

"Have you got any bread?"

Love that!

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  • 2 months later...

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